Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Learning About Myself

Becoming a mother forces you to learn more about yourself... both the good and the bad. One thing I've been learning about myself lately is just how independent I really am. I'm not sure if independent is even the right term. What I'm referring to is actually more of my need to have time when I am just by myself - just me, nothing and no one else. And as a mother, I am realizing that those times are very few and far between. Sure, I have times here and there, when Kirsten is sleeping, or when I go to work, etc. But there is always something that needs to be done, something else that I am responsible for. And what I realize that I crave, especially when I'm stressed, is time to just sit and do absolutely nothing.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a mom and I wouldn't give up my girl for anything in the world. And I realize that other people probably have the same desires that I am talking about. For me, I feel like it's actually part of my makeup as a person. I am naturally an introvert, even though I love hanging out with others. I've always been someone who has to work hard at getting to know others - it doesn't always come naturally. And while I love parties and hanging out with people, I gravitate towards those I already know or have something in common with. Sure, I've chosen career paths that involve people, which is kind of funny for an introvert. In my job, I work with kids & adults, and in my business I interact with others on a daily basis. So perhaps the reason why my internal desire to sometimes just be alone is even higher is that now I've added a little person in my life that basically needs me 24/7.

While I realize that part of this is a healthy need, I also recognize that deep down, I am a selfish person. I want to do what I want, when I want. I hate having to give things up. I don't enjoy having to plan my day - or not plan my day - around another person. Becoming a mother has forced me to recognize I need to learn a lot more about being selfless, rather than selfish. I want to learn about giving up what I want for the sake of someone else. Learn how to care more about someone else's needs than my own. Another thing that changes when you become a mother is our relationship with your spouse. As I learn to be patient with my baby, I must also learn to show patience & love to my husband. Boy I am glad that God is not done with me yet!


Shan said...

oh esther,thank you for this. i really needed it today.